DiscConnected: PRIDE IN THE NAME OF THE DMV

I liked this post from my Back In The USSR blog enough that I decided to copy it here to give it a potentially wider audience.

The Bible specifies certain categories of people who are blessed.

For example, in this (historically accurate) scene below, manufacturers of dairy products (the Cheesemakers) are given exalted status.

If it is true that Blessed Are The Idiots, then Arizona is blessed in abundance!

I've described some of the feeblemindedness inherent in the Arizona driver in a prior post, but today I want to focus on the Arizona drivers who have succumbed to that deadliest of the deadly sins,

Pride.

Yep-I am talking about self-absorbed Arizona idiots and their Vanity Plates.

As far as I can remember, this asinine craze started when Tom Selleck started driving a red Ferrari sporting this plate:

This plate breaks my first rule below. Can you guess why without reading ahead?

But this plate is not offensive, nor does it necessarily mean the driver is an idiot (just willing to settle).

Some plates are cool.

Remember this Seinfeld episode?

Some plates are truly stupid.

Maybe the driver is claiming not to be flatulent

First off, let's go with one of my favorites-those idiots who feel the need to remind me whose car it is they are driving.

I used to see these plates in my old employer's parking garage:

MYHONDA

CMYLEXIS

News flash, morons-I know it's your Honda and your Lexis.

You know how I know?

You're driving it, dumb ass!

Appropriate plate for a Pinto...

Another favorite class of driver that is near and dear to my "wish I could shoot them" list are what George Carlin used to refer to as "church people."

Now I have nothing against the religious, but I do find that some of the rudest drivers in Arizona have bumper stickers that read "What Would Jesus Do?" or "WWJD?"

Well for starters, he probably wouldn't drive as arrogantly and rudely as you do!

But there are also the cluelessly pious, the truly most blessed of the simple-minded.

I've seen many vanity plates along these lines, but recently saw a Kia Rio sporting this gem:

GODGVN

Now let's remember for a moment that according to the Bible, it's all God-given, hence the concept of tithing-you give God back ten percent of what is his in the first place.

And if it's all God-given, you really don't need to tell me that God provided the blessings in your life that allowed you to buy the status symbol that is the Kia Rio.

But let's assume God truly did buy you, self-righteous arrogant doofus that you appear to be, a car.

Well God can pretty much afford any car He wants.

And He bought you an entry-level Kia.

What doess that say about what He thinks of you?

This is a cool idea for a plate

I miss the days when only wealthy people had vanity plates, and they were limited to their names.

So here I am with my Rules For Vanity Plates.

Rule # 1- If you have to put a number at the end of the plate, forget it-someone thought of it first, and you're a wannabe. That's why I don't have one, the two good ideas I had have been taken in all four states I have lived in.

Ladies-don't get this one unless you plan to back it up!

Rule # 2- Unless you're an incredibly sexy woman, don't get a plate with any variation on the word "sexy."

It's false advertising.

We men get all psyched up to see that sexy girl from the Hot Pockets commercial and see Miss Girl Next Door, and it's kind of a let down. Pun intended.

Rule # 3- If you are an incredibly sexy woman, and you get a plate with any variation on the word "sexy," you can't complain about any of the attention it draws.

You have to smile and wave at all of the lewd rude comments, wolf whistles, stares, leers and gawks. You wanted it, you got it, suck it up. Again, pun intended.

Really?
Unless you're the CEO of Coca Cola or a cocaine dealer, this is just stupid.

Rule # 4- Guys, you gotta monitor what your lady puts on her vanity plate.

Someday you're gonna borrow that ride, and there are few things as embarassing as a beefy trucker-looking guy getting out of a minivan that has "MOMSTAXI" on the tag.

Or any variation of the word "sexy."

Rule # 5- No cutesy nickname BS. If you're going to resort to that, just send me the $100 and shoot yourself.

And guys, when she gets "Babe," or "Ci Ci" or something equally frilly, remember Rule # 4.

If you're old enough to drive, you're too old for this plate

Now, my rules over those decals that show the stick figures of the husband, wife, three kids, a dog and a cat are quite simple.

What I'd like to put on my car, but with a couple of expletives inserted

Arizona being a state in which you can carry your firearm, I have made it legal to shoot those drivers no matter the season.

Hope you opted for the bullet proof glass on that mini van.

In closing, if you have to waste your money on a vanity plate, there are DO'S: